the way depression settles

Depression has been sitting in our home for many years now. It softens at times, and other times presses down upon us. The dark force. I am not sure if all the members of my family feel it.

A 9yr-old shouldn’t have to, should they.

But it is there. Versions of depression.

Sometimes I do those online quizzes to see if ‘I have depression’. Sometimes my depression doesn’t feel what I think it should be like. Sometimes it is just a quiet backdrop to my life, to our lives. And yet, sometimes it’s not. It’s the opposite. It’s the noise, the thumping heartbeat.

Have you ever done one of those online quizzes? I have found that almost all of them have a question that asks “are you depressed?" And I find this the most ridiculous thing. I assume the quiz was written by AI or perhaps by someone straight out of school, someone hoping to get a job in journalism and instead writing quizzes for BuzzFeed, or whatever those sites are called. Written by someone who doesn’t have depression, or really know what it is.

But. I don’t really know what it is. I know when my dr asks me questions about it, I end up on the ‘wrong’ end of the scale (ie… closer to depression than boundless happiness). That he has offered medication for depression. I tried it once, and it made me throw up, so I haven’t give another one a go. But that I am not against medication if that is what can help). And still I don’t know what depression actually is.